Island Woman Paints Door Green

A woman from the normally sedate village of Godshill has caused upset and much ‘gnashing of teeth’ according to the Parish Council by her decision to re-paint her front door a vivid green.

Emily Spurt, 82, took the decision after what she called her “utter desperation” and sense of “hopelessness” at the lack of anything ever happening in the Village where she has lived for over 40 years.

This Candy Press reporter spoke to Emily, who did not wish to be named, through the letterbox of her newly painted front-door. I asked her how she felt about the reaction of villagers. She responded by informing me that I now had a green nose as the paint hadn’t dried yet, but if I intended staying in the village for long I could “do a lot worse if I made myself comfortable on the doorstep and watched the paint dry”.

Emily declined to comment further as she has now signed a contract with the publicist Max Clifford.  Instead I spoke to some local people on their reaction. Emily’s neighbour, Albert Cockle, 94, a retired Mole Molester told us, “The trouble with that their Spurt woman is she won’t grow up! We here in the village like things just the way they are, dead! If it’s action she wants they have Dominoes and nasal hair knitting evenings at the Village Hall, on the second Sunday of every March”

We also spoke to the Chairman of Godshill Parish Council, Sir Reginald Bufton-Tufton. He told me that he and his fellow councillor’s would be holding an emergency meeting on the matter as soon as possible, but that it may be some time before the meeting could be convened due to four of them being in Nursing Homes.

For his part, Sir Reginald added, “floggings too good for her in my opinion! This is not the way we expect the youth in this village to behave!”  He added, “If its action she wants she should move to Newport where apparently they have something called shops, whatever they are.” Sir Reginald then collapsed in a fit of pique.