The Emily Spurt Column: Here To Listen, Advise And Patronise

14 October 2012 by

Emily SpurtWell my darlings, what can one say? What a week it’s been! My new office is finally kitted out in a manner more befitting a lady of culture, style and blackouts.

The Editor has opened his capacious wallet and my new desk, laptop and cocktail-shaker are in place. I also have a new secretary called D’arcy. She’s the daughter of an old ‘client’ of mine, who put a lot of business my way over the years.

How long she’ll last is debatable though. Any woman the right-side of 30, pretty and with all her own teeth, is bound to irritate after a while, but I’ll give her a chance and as long as she wears the Cath Kitson Burka I bought her for work, I’m sure we’ll get along like a house on fire!

Anyway, my dears, down to business! Since I last spoke, Candy Press reader’s problems have literally trickled in, so without further ado, I’ll take one last swig of my G&T and ‘orf we jolly well go!

This week’s letter is from Gwen who writes…

Dear Emily,

I have been with my partner now for 15 years; we are both divorced and have two grown-up sons apiece. I would love to be married but he has no intention of ever being married again. “If ever I was to marry, it would be to you, but I’m not doing it” is his constant refrain. I have tried tears, threats and teensy lingerie – all to no avail. My life is otherwise dammed near perfect, but how do I achieve the ultimate happiness?

Emily writes…

I do wonder my dear Gwen, why marriage to this man is so important to you? Unless he is stinking-rich and has a terminal illness, I can see little point. Assuming he’s not and you still wish to take him up the aisle, a few pointers for you my pet.

Firstly, you mention trying ‘tears, threats and teensy lingerie’. In my experience, using all three at the same time can be a turn-off for many men and causes confusion; there is also the question of exactly what you mean by teensy lingerie? I myself am a svelte size 8, thanks to a life-long diet of Gin and Olives.On The Isle of Wight though, this is a rarity and I would hazard a guess you have some well-upholstered love-handles.

Assuming I’m right, trying to pack acres of flesh into the equivalent of a hairnet, usually causes nausea and/or hilarity in a man. I suspect my darling, you’re in love with the idea of marriage for its own sake; in which case, find that man who is stinking rich and close to popping his clogs – The Islands Care Homes are full of them – get them to marry you but continue seeing your current man as ‘your bit on the side’ then when hubby shuffles off to the big commode in the sky, spend some of your inheritance on a decent weight-loss programme in a swanky Health Spa. Job done!

If you have a problem and no-one else can help, you too can askemily@iwcp.net