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Tar Very Much! Island Roads Very Much Better!

15 January 2015 by

Broken RoadGRATEFUL Islanders have clubbed together to purchase a giant ‘thank you’ card for local tarmac-smiths ‘Island Routes.’

The themed card, measuring nearly 600 miles long by around 15 feet wide is made entirely out of top grade asphalt, embossed in motorway standard white line painted with the epithet “Thank you Island Routes for all the improvements.”

The card is the brainchild of indebted local Brian Brain of Wroxall.

Brain (53) commented “once the Island’s roads were in a terrible mess, but now thanks to Island Routes, the bit between Afton and about half way to Freshwater Bay, and 3 cul-de-sacs in Gunville are very much better.

Brain, an unemployed council worker, added “I would also like to praise the generosity of the local community who clubbed together to raise the first £34.45p to fund this worthwhile card.”

The card, costing around £400 million, was funded in part by local donations and additional money from central government, with the lion’s share sourced from a private venture capital company based in Papua New Guinea.

Preparations are now under-way to deliver their token of appreciation via private greetings card provider; Moonflyingpig, to the head office of Island Routes. A fleet of very smart lorries has been bought, and Moonflyingpig are eagerly driving them around looking busy.

Moonflyingpig have confirmed that a number of key personnel have already been engaged on the project, all of whom are at either managerial or administrative level, and none of whom can actually make tarmac greetings cards.

Council spokesman for roads, closed libraries, defunct public toilets, and flogged off botanical gardens, Florence Ducker commented; “thanks to the ambitious plans of the council very little is now our fault, so we don’t want this card or any other road related stuff dumped on our desks.”

Brain has challenged Island Routes to now go one better. “It’s all very well slapping a bit of tarmac down, but how about something really dear to Islander’s hearts?” he said. “It’s a well known fact that for generations locals have dreamt of the day that Yarmouth Bridge is controlled from North Wales, and everybody thinks the roads are great but what we really need is satellite controlled LED street lighting in Gurnard.”

Brains continued his plea despite worried looks from trained healthcare professionals in the back of an NHS ambulance, “bugger the roads” he screeched “it’s the pavements you should prioritise, and also carrying out surveys and stuff!”

Island Routes were not available for comment at the time of going to press.

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