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4 Oct 2012 by | 2 Comments
Tory Sheep

Isle Of Wight Tory Councillors will be replaced by a flock of Clun Forest sheep in time for the May 2013 elections, it has emerged. David Pugh’s title will change from “Leader of the Isle of Wight Council” to “Here Boy! Here Boy! Come By!”, with the aim of speeding up ...

1 Oct 2012 by | 4 Comments
County Hall

IOW Council have today announced a brand new and exciting support scheme for new business start-ups. For the next four days it will be offering a 50p reduction in business rates to any new business that can copy another mildly successful business. Council spokesmen Barry Jobsworthy, who made the announcement on ...

30 Sep 2012 by | 5 Comments
County Hall

Isle Of Wight Council leader David Pugh yesterday released controversial plans to extend the publicized badger cull to include left wing socialist thinkers. In a statement to The Candy Press Mr. Pugh stated “Just as the farmers are up in arms about their profit margins, we are up in arms about ...

24 Sep 2012 by | 11 Comments
IOW Festival

In an exclusively overheard conversation with a park bench and possibly several sparrows, Isle of Wight Festival ‘Boss Man’ John Giddings has revealed the secrets to band booking policy. A Candy Press representative was lucky enough to be relieving themselves in a nearby bush when Giddings, or God as he demands ...

23 Sep 2012 by | 14 Comments
Egypt Point

The Candy Press has been informed of a brand new anti-wind turbines action group recently formed in Cowes. Cowes United No Turbines Society chairman Norman Imby spoke exclusively to us stating he felt compelled to act after spotting some disgraceful illegal and unlicensed turbines along Cowes seafront. The turbines were of the ...

18 Sep 2012 by | 8 Comments
Job Centre

Thousands of jobless Islanders will face an overnight stay in Middle-Ages style stocks if they continue to idle about not finding work on an island that doesn’t actually have any. Private firms that assume control of jobseekers after one year hope the installation of torture equipment in jobcentres will lead to ...

15 Sep 2012 by | 12 Comments
BHS

A Newport man is claiming damages after injuring himself on the escalator at BHS. Mr. Richard Head of Pyle street, Newport, claims that as soon as he stepped onto the stairs within the store, they ‘turned magic’ and started to convey him upwards at an alarming rate. According to court reports, Mr ...