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22 Oct 2012 by | One Comment
IOW Dunce

Isle of Wight parents are in despair at the state of education on the Island, following a report putting Island Schools 150th out of a list of….150! Yet one outraged teacher isn’t willing to accept the damming result, claiming Island Schools were much better than the figures suggested and that the whole report was ...

17 Oct 2012 by | 3 Comments
God

Lawyers for the Isle of Wight Council, have confirmed rumours it faces legal action after receiving a writ for ‘Copyright infringements and Defamation of Character’ from The Lord God Almighty. In a statement issued to The Candy Press by the Councils legal department, they confirm God is taking the action in ...

16 Oct 2012 by | 6 Comments
Hovertravel

Bosses at Hover-Travel are excited at the prospect of greatly reducing their fuel bills and carbon foot-print after discovering a cheap alternative to Diesel. Hovercrafts work by sucking in and then floating on cushions of air, but this can now be powered  by broadcasting speeches, policy documents and press releases, issued ...

15 Oct 2012 by | 2 Comments
Football Football

Football Results Southern Hampshire League: Newport Nippers 1, Shanklin Septic’s 3; Newport Neurotics 1 Freshwater Fairies 2; Ryde Rimmers 3, Ventnor Vaseline’s 5 Slightly off Centre Hampshire League: HMP IW Prisoners XI 0, Island Police 6 (Score Falsified) IOW Council Cut-Backs City 3, Vulnerable Voters United 0 Colostomy Challenge Cup 3rd Round Replay: ...

14 Oct 2012 by | 4 Comments
IW Fire & Rescue

Three Isle of Wight Fire-fighters are facing disciplinary action following a fracas in London at the weekend.  The three, believed to be from the Ryde, Shanklin and Newport Brigades, were in the capital for a Ladder & Hose Safety Seminar. The Candy Press understands the trouble started after the event, when ...

12 Oct 2012 by | 3 Comments
IOW-Court

Here at your Candy Press we consider ourselves to be champions of free speech, press freedom and the death penalty for ITV’s Ant n’ Dec. We have worked tirelessly to bring Islanders the news that matters to you, through thick and thin, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health ...

12 Oct 2012 by | 18 Comments
IOW Festival

John Giddings has announced the 2013 Isle of Wight Festival will go ahead but not at its usual Seaclose site in Newport. A tired, emotional and slightly weepy Mr Giddings told The Candy Press that the ‘constant sniping’ of residents following the chaos of this year’s rain-hit event, has led to ...

9 Oct 2012 by | 3 Comments
Football Football

Tommy Flapjack, Manager of beleaguered Newport Nippers FC has admitted to The Candy Press that his next fixture could be an away game at the Jobcentre following his sides 10-0 thrashing at the hands of Portsmouth FC in Saturdays FA Cup first round tie. The heavy defeat came despite the fact ...

5 Oct 2012 by | 6 Comments
Missing Girl

Missing Isle of Wight teenager, 15 year old Megan Glammers, has been found safe and well in Bordeaux, France: the 30 year old Teacher from Ryde Academy, Jeremy Forrest, was with Megan and is now in Police custody. Megan’s stepfather Martin Glammers told The Candy Press absolutely nothing as he had ...

3 Oct 2012 by | 20 Comments
Puke Aloud

A Government report has singled out young Isle of Wight Women for being ‘beyond hope’ and ‘girlie and dim to an embarrassing degree’. The authors wanted to take a snap-shot of women’s hopes and aspirations in 21st century Britain and the report, “From Emily Pankhurst and the Suffragettes to High-heels & ...