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Articles in the News Category

15 Jun 2017 by | One Comment
Floating Bridge New

THE wonders of this magical Island have long been told through little ditties such as Ryde, where you walk, Newport you cannot bottle, and so on. We at the Candy Press felt this list needed updating for 2017, to update potential tourists on what they should look out for. Without further ado, ...

6 Jun 2017 by | One Comment
Candy Press - Leaders Debate

THIS coming Thursday is a pivotal day – with the start of the Isle of Wight Festival promising a weekend of fun and frolics for many. Also happening this Thursday is a General Erection, or something, but it’s apparently very important and so we decided to invite the main contestants to ...

24 May 2017 by | No Comments
Sewage

SEWAGE has been released into the Solent after a pumping station in East Cowes broke down. Southern Water spokesperson; A. Turtle-Head, explained how they’d had to release ‘screened wastewater’ into the sea, via combined sewage outfall pipes, and some unhappy workers with large sieves. “At present we have tankers to take wastewater ...

14 Mar 2017 by | No Comments
Steak

A COWES man was rushed to St Mary’s in ‘unfortunate circumstances’ this evening, according to reports. Hospital spokesperson, Dr. Hugh G. Rection, said that the man, whose identity is as yet unknown, had planned to enjoy ‘Steak and Blowjob Day‘, however was not to be undaunted by a lack of girlfriend, ...

6 Mar 2017 by | No Comments
Bearded Tattoo Man

A REPORT published today suggests that middle-aged men on the Isle of Wight are twice as likely as the national average to suffer from a recently identified condition known as “LaDS” – Lamentable Dad Syndrome. Up to 25% of Island men over the age of 35 are thought to show signs ...

5 Mar 2017 by | No Comments
East Cowes Parade

EAST COWES was recently named the “fifth best” place to live in England. The Centre for Economic and Business Research, and Royal Mail, put the report together after collecting and analysing data over the last two years, which was interpreted by the Mail. Sadly however, it has been found that the erroneous ...

4 Mar 2017 by | No Comments
Simon Cowell

THE next singing sensation probably won’t be discovered on the Isle of Wight, however the X Factor debacle will still sadly roll onto the the Island next week. Many Islanders, young and old, will be swayed by dreams of super stardom, and rubbing shoulders with the likes of Steve Brookstein, Chico ...

3 Mar 2017 by | No Comments
Steam Railway

THE Government are considering a number of improvements to the rail network which could include the Isle of Wight, it has been announced today. Under the proposals, the line between Havenstreet and Smallbrook would be electrified. There would be a number of redundancies at The Isle of Wight Steam Railway which a ...

4 Feb 2015 by | 2 Comments
East Cowes

EAST COWES will soon be battling other dilapidated Island towns and villages in an attempt to hold on to its title of ‘Shite Town Of The Year’. The contest, sponsored by the jewellery section at Argos, again welcomes entries from any parish council, organisation or group of fed up locals representing ...

15 Jan 2015 by | 3 Comments
Broken Road

GRATEFUL Islanders have clubbed together to purchase a giant ‘thank you’ card for local tarmac-smiths ‘Island Routes.’ The themed card, measuring nearly 600 miles long by around 15 feet wide is made entirely out of top grade asphalt, embossed in motorway standard white line painted with the epithet “Thank you Island ...