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FOR SALE – FRIDGE freezer and 3 seater sofa. Currently used as garden ornaments. £15 IW 5856

FOR SALE - DOUBLE bed with mattress £150, had very little use. Will chuck in purple faux velvet headboard.

FOR SALE – MICROWAVE,£20, used for the occasional Rustler burger. Good condition. Selling as easier than cleaning.

FOR SALE - VINTAGE Jazz magazine collection. Open to offers. All issues dating back to the 1970′s, the golden era of jazz mags. Sorry to see go. Selling due to wife’s recent discovery.

FOR SALE – LEATHER all in one with rare mouth zip mask and thumb screws. Comfortable to wear as well worn in. Requires a slim build.

FOR SALE – BLACK market Alum Bay coloured sand, real stuff – none of that painted rubbish. £30 per bottle, grockles only.

FOR SALE – WEDDING dress. Worn once by mistake. Call Esmeralda.

FOR SALE - PORTSMOUTH FC memorabilia from the last 6 year’s for sale. Some items are slightly tear stained and whiff of fish. All very likely to become very rare!! Call Terry Skate on 07657657657.

FOR SALE - JIM’LL fix it badge for anyone that wants it. I just want it out the house.

FOR SALE – BROKEN Kenwood toaster. In it’s hey day it was amazing, bread to toast in 60 seconds. But I have anger issues and I’m lonely, I just want someone to see what I was able to accomplish with a sledgehammer. £20 ono.

FOR SALE – USED tombstone, perfect for someone named Finrod Felagund.

FOR SALE – MOUSETRAP, used once and very effective. Frail fingers mean can’t use it again, comes with partially decomposed mouse. £2.

FOR SALE - IW Can Depress T-shirt. Unwanted Present. £1.

FREE – – MORRISONS shopping trolley. Cost me a pound (now removed), buyer collects. IW 9653

WANTED – CAR share, something fast preferred. Meet outside Barclays Bank two o’clock sharp next Tuesday. Bring your own balaclava, share of profits and petrol money.

WANTED – TAXI DRIVERS required for immediate start. Criminal record essential as must be prepared to demand large sums of money for what is, after all, only a lift home.

WANTED - PISTOL, Baseball bat and renegade cop with a bad attitude for zombie apocalypse survival team. I have no money to offer but I am a keen role player and fast learner.

WANTED - MAGIC card collection – Fire Donkey, Jailbait Thug and the Mucus Guardian. Needed to destroy the evil Lord of Dragon Doom and save the world from eternal darkness. Call Jan or Adam.

WANTED - DECENT dealer, new to the Island and looking to make friends. Have cash. Apply Newport Police Station, High Street, Newport.

WANTED – TRAINING of several management staff at mediocre hotel in busy tourist spot. Any help would be appreciated as we lack the skills needed to run a successful establishment.

WANTED – DEAD or Alive. Man responsible a slew of killings in the Shanklin area, for extremely lazy police officials.

WANTED – DVD of Les Dennis talking about his vast collection of garden shears to drown out the wife watching X-factor. That or a handgun.

WANTED - SEVERAL cans of Stella Artois lager to bring out my better side.

FREE – YORKSHIRE Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE – PUPPIES. 1/2 Irish Wolf Hound, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.


MALE - NEED some fun and not worried by celebrity status? Give Jack a call, this joker is seeking a fun loving middle aged female who is up for pranks and good with words.

MALE - STONER seeks same.

MALE - 40 YRS. Seeks secretive fraternity to make friends and influence people.  Likes nipple-tweaking, trouser-pulling, &  funny-handshakes.

MALE - YOUNG healthy male enjoys long walks, fine dining and playing fetch. Seeks kind loving owner. Must have own lead, NO cats.

MALE – 24 YRS.  Big arms and shoulders with small legs, seeks 100% perfect older lady for long term relationship. Must have own transport and dog, lube and rubbers glove will be provided.

MALE - NEUROTIC Prozac driven male seeks a male companion to share forgotten nights and gin. Looks not important but hair is. Desperate is a plus but not necessary.

The Candy Press classifieds section is free to advertise and posts will be removed after a random time interval of our choosing.  To submit your advert please use the standard form on our contact page.